so much has changed...

... but so much has stayed the same.

It's hard to believe that last year I was totally obsessing over G-Mo's birthday. Remember the lobster feast I cooked for him? (Mmmmm... it was so good!)

This year his birthday snuck up on me. What's the saying? Out of sight, out of mind. Yeah. That's pretty much where we stand. Although I should go ahead and tell you now, we still text, chat online and send emails. He will call me, but I won't call him. I don't like to hear his voice.

I'm not sure why I still communicate with him, but I do. I deleted him off my 'buddy list' the other day after I said something to deliberately piss him off (it worked!) so the temptation to reach out isn't there. Really - I have no idea why I still do.

Every time we chat I realize how not right for each other we were. How did I have a relationship with someone who is so selfish? Who didn't get along with his family? We called me crazy every day? It's so obvious to me now, but before I turned the other cheek - I put up with it... mostly because I was in a REAL relationship. You know, one where you go out on dates, talk on the phone, hang out, do things and watch TV together. We did what, normal real couples do! (At least in the beginning it was like that.) Deep down I always said (and knew) it wouldn't work long-term.

That's why I am struggling a little still. Why do I feel the need to reach out? Why do I return his communication? Why? Why? WHY? I guess I fell for the idea of who G-Mo was - educated, successful, ambitious, and he held a good job. That's the kind of person you're supposed to settle down with, right? I tried to force it, even though I didn't really want it. And now I miss what we had. Not so much him, but the companionship.

Except the sex - it was pretty bad. Wait, that's mean. It was bad... it was just always very quick. :)

meet the barber

So... is this what you pictured him to look like?

the little prince

There is a post brewing in me... I promise.

Until then, check out the newest man in my life. I'm confident that he will love me unconditionally once he really gets to know me!

(For those of you who are "regular" readers, this is KK's little man.)

93 days ago

A new post! (Although if you are my facebook friend chances are you've already seen these photos - wait, am I the only one who admits to being a facebook stalker?)


In honor of Obama's upcoming 100 day anniversary, here are some pictures from my trip to our nation's capital. I had a great time with my sisters, cousins, old friends, new friends and two million other people celebrating our new President.

The monument and all the port-a-lets...


People sitting on the port-a-let at the We Are One Concert -


Me and America's favorite lesbian couple (well, at the time.)


Lindsey... yes, I retouched her.


Her ex-girlfriend, who was surprisingly a very good DJ -


John Legend


Me and the little sister


Jaime Foxx does a spot-on Impression of President Obama.


Maroon 5


My favorite shirt -


The silver fox, Anderson Cooper -


The sister's Inauguration tickets -


Walking to the Mall -


We stood in the freezing cold for hours... and I hardly complained.


Our view of the Capitol -


The first picture I took after our new President was sworn in.


I like to call this picture the White House and the Out Houses. (Taken post-Inauguration.)


Peaceful people as far as the eyes could sea walking up 18th -


Dessert at the ball.


Celebrating with Barack and fireworks!


Sisters...


Obama ice sculpture in front of Ben's Chili Bowl.

I know it's been awhile since I've posted on this here blog. Truth is, the stuff I have floating around my head right now isn't necessarily for public consumption. I don't want to be judge based on what I'm thinking these days...

mom knows best

Today when I walked into FF's office I noticed this book (if you can even call it that) sitting on the bookshelf in the corner scattered among all the games and toys to preoccupy the kids in the waiting room. Rather than playing Bejeweled (I love that game!) on the iPhone I went straight for this book.

It was written by an local woman in the early 80's (and this version I was looking at was published way back then... it wasn't a re-print.) The term book should be used loosely because you and I could produce them with a copier, markers, laminating machine and the coil binder thing. Apparently this book was popular though - when I Googled it I found a listing for a used one that costs $87 (WTF?!) Anyway, back to the nostalgia... I picked up the book because I remember seeing it so many times throughout my childhood but don't actually remember reading it ever.

There is a lot of slanted advice - you know, stuff that your mother would say because it's actually a Bible verse - but some of the sayings rang true for me in that moment so I whipped out the iPhone and took photos.

I now present to you a sampling of "Things Your Mother* Always Told You But You Didn't Want To Hear" -

*Apparently there is a Dad and Grandma version too. And this woman has more titles than I thought. I need to find out her story. I thought she was just some local mom, but maybe not? Does anyone else remember this book?

hot n cold

Sticking with the song lyrics theme... here's a song that makes me think of Assjack EVERY time I hear it. (My apologies to Katy Perry and to you all for potentially getting it stuck in your head.)

Hot N Cold

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
I would know

And you always think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you're no good for me

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync
The same energy now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now you're plain boring
I should know
That you're not gonna change

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bipolar
Stuck on a rollercoaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down, down, down, down...

damaged

I woke up this morning determined to make today better than yesterday. I'm just biding my time until my previously scheduled appointment with FF tomorrow afternoon. I have a lot to get out of my system.

I put make-up on again today, even though by 10am yesterday it was all cried off, to mask how I'm really feeling. On the way to work I started tearing up - not like full on crying but eyes watering - as I listened to the lyrics of a freakin' Danity Kane song. (Seriously? WTF!)

Damaged

Do, Do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do, Do you know how to patch up a wound?
Tell me,
Are Are Are Are you,
Are you patient, Understanding?
Cuz I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I
I've tried every remedy
And nothing seems to work for me
Baby, (baby)
This situation's driving me crazy
And I really wanna be your lady
But the one before you left me so

[Chorus]

Damaged, Damaged
Damaged, Damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, Damaged
So Damaged, (So Damaged)
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it (Baby I gotta know)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it (What you are gonna do?)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it (Baby I gotta know)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it (What you are gonna do?)

Do Do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do Do you know how to patch up a wound? Tell me,
Are Are Are Are you,
Are you patient, Understanding?
Cuz I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I
You try to gain my trust
Talking is not enough
Actions speak louder than words
You gotta show me something
My heart is missing some pieces
I need this puzzle put together again

[Chorus]

Damaged, Damaged
Damaged, Damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, Damaged
So Damaged(So Damaged)
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it (Baby I gotta know)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it (What you are gonna do?)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it (Baby I gotta know)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it (What you are gonna do?)

Can you fix my H-E-A-R-T
Cuz it D-A-M-A-G-E-D
Can you fix my H-E-A-R-T
Tell me are you up for the challenge
Cuz my heart is

Damaged, (Damaged)
Damaged, (Damaged)
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, (Damaged)
So Damaged, (So Damaged)
And you can blame the one before

Damaged, (Damaged)
Damaged, (Damaged)
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is
Damaged, (Damaged)
So Damaged, (So Damaged)
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it

My heart is
Damaged,
Damaged,
Damaged.

My heart is
Damaged,
Damaged,
Damaged.

My heart is
Damaged,
Damaged,
Damaged.

My heart is
Damaged,
Damaged,
Damaged.

My heart is
Damaged.

the next episode...

When we left off after the last post I had just left a voice mail for G-Mo (although now I am thinking we should go back to his Assjack nickname?) that basically said...

Hi, G-Mo. It's Kat. Listen, I am calling you back because I was pissed that I chickened out before when I got your voice mail so I decided to call back so you wouldn't think that I was afraid. I just wanted to let you know I got your postcard. I hope you had a good trip to Chicago and I wanted to thank you for thinking about me, but it's really not necessary. I think it'd be best if you take me off your postcard list. If I have to keep getting random reminders from you it's going to make this a lot harder than it needs to be. This has been difficult for me but I've been taking a cue from you. It's easier to cut people out of your life if you just don't talk to them. So anyway, good luck.

As I mentioned before I did receive a text message response... which lead to more of a text message conversation, which lead to him sending me pictures from his trip to Chicago (of artwork from the museum he thought I would like) over night, which led to a "Good Morning! :)" text and ultimately lead to a long phone call this morning.

Here are some excerpts from the text message exchange last night - (He's on the left. I'm on the right. You are looking at most of our conversation like I would on my iPhone without the gray and green conversation bubbles.)

No worries, you have been removed ;)

Thanks, I wish things had turned out different.
I'm better off knowing that you aren't thinking about me.

Sorry to hear that
I haven't stopped thinking about you ;)
But we're just two different people heading in two different directions.
Hope everything works out for you.
And maybe one day I'll see you in DC ;)
Good luck.....!
I will always care about you ;)

There hadn't been a day that I haven't thought about you.
I really thought it was going to work.
Hope you can find someone that can make you happy.

Thanks... I'll be single for awhile.
Just going to work and school for now.

Yeah, I won't be opening myself up to anyone else for a long time.
There is no point.

Ouch....
Anyways, when and if it does happen it will be a southern girl.

Not for the sadness I feel now.
Which is complicated by losing someone I considered to be one of my closest friends at the same time.

No worries... it will change.
I have no doubt that you will meet someone else soon enough ;)
You're a great catch

Thanks. It is nice to hear you say that. Never thought you thought that while we were dating.
Yeah. I have surprised myself. I was doing fine until your damn postcard.
I don't want to think about meeting anyone else.

Damn, sorry about that.

You know how hard it was for me to open up to you about some stuff.

We will meet again...

I just don't want to remember our time together like this. You made me happy and I learned a lot about other people (and myself.)

The whole thing just makes me sad.

I'm glad that I made you happy

Even when you frustrated me you made me happy

I like it when you're smiling ;)

I don't know what to say to that

I'm sure we will see each other sooner than later
So no worries...you are a very strong person
And can overcome anything.... ;)
Now go to bed and get some sleep.

I know.

You have work tomorrow.

Not a chance. I'm worked into overdrive.

Oh yea, remember to take your pills. ;)

By the way, I got a raise.

Nice, you deserved it.

There have been so many thing I've wanted to call to tell you. Good. Bad. Random shit.

Well write them down.

That's what I miss the most about you. That we could talk. Even when the conversation was bad, contentious or I wouldn't be be able to explain myself.

I understand and feel the same way.

But I'm okay. Doing much better than I ever thought or I would imagine you'd give me credit for.

Like I said you're a strong person
Stronger than you think.

I know.

And you need to know that although you were always so quick to compare me to the others I wasn't like any of them. I was always open and honest about how I felt. To a fault. I don't want to be just another girl you compare the next girl to.

And with that I cried myself to sleep and the conversation ended.

But like I said, it didn't really end... I got 10 picture emails from him over night and then another text this morning which led me to a terrible decision... I called him on the way to work today. Seriously, I have opened the flood gates...

should old acquaintances be forgotten

Yesterday I got a postcard in the mail from G-Mo. It was from his new year's trip to Chicago with friends. It read - "Happy New Year and here's to new beginnings. :) - G-Mo" 

The difference between this card and all the others he's sent me before is that its signed with his full name with no Love preceding it. It comes a week and a half after he's moved away and three weeks to the day after he kicked me out of his house. This postcard is the first time I have heard from him since that day. 

I really haven't opened up to too many people about what went wrong. We just combusted. I don't know. I went over there on a Friday night for what he had decided weeks before would be a dinner and a movie. When he asked me if I would be disappointed if we didn't make it to a movie things changed I explained that I had a feeling that we wouldn't be going to a movie anyway. He said since he made the plans, he could change them. I told him he was the one to set those expectations... not me. 

Anyway, that night we covered everything and what started out as a tense conversation turned into us understanding each other a little bit more. He reassured me that things were going to go on once he moved and that he wanted to make it work. I went to bed in his arms that night feeling good about where we stood. 

Then I woke up the next day. I was being lazy while he got up and did his morning routine... texted, talked on the phone, read the paper, etc. I just wanted to lay there and enjoy one of our last times together. I knew he had somewhere to be at 11:00 am that morning but I just assumed that we'd be walking out the door at the same time. Boy, did I assume wrong! He finally mentioned that he was frustrated that I hadn't left his house yet... a bigger discussion ensued and it ended up with me being asked to leave his house (not so nicely... especially after I blew off the handle at him exclaiming "I'm fucking getting dressed, god damn it!" in response to him insisting I leave right. fucking. then.)

Before I left I had a feeling that I wouldn't be seeing him again. Maybe I didn't want to, maybe I knew that he didn't care enough to want to see me... I don't know. I asked him if this meant I wouldn't be coming back over Monday (I know!) He wanted to know why I was asking about that... that he wasn't sure he just wanted me out then. I knew when I asked for the paintings back that would mean I definitely wouldn't see him again. But that didn't stop me. Not only did I get the paintings, but I also got the camera I gave him for his birthday (even though I told him I didn't want it.) He brought them to me after I'd already had the door slammed behind my back and locked (for emphasis, I'm assuming) behind me. 

I left that Saturday morning... and have surprised myself ever since. Yes, this is my abridged version of the events that weekend. This is more detail than anyone else has really gotten out of me though. I am afraid to talk about how it didn't work out. I feel like I sort of sabotaged the whole situation. I don't know. It's just another failed relationship for me, although I've been handling it way better than I thought I would. I was super sad the first couple of days - and have had a couple of bad days since - but I have been very proud of myself so far. And I haven't called him. Like... at all! 

(Until today after I received the postcard from him yesterday.)

Why is he doing this to me? It was a lot easier for me not to call him when I just assumed he cut me out of his life like he has done to so many other people before me. But now with this postcard I know he hasn't. DAMN HIM! I've thought so many times over the last three weeks how I want to call him for this reason or that reason, to share good news (I got a raise!) and bad news but I haven't. I can't tell you how many letters or emails I've composed to him in my head but never taken the initiative to actually write them out. I didn't need to... I assumed he wasn't thinking about me so why should I let him know that I was thinking about him. 

DAMN HIM! Why did he send the fucking formal postcard? 

I couldn't resist. I had decided I needed a little closure so I called him today. But he didn't answer... I listened to his voicemail recording then hung up. I thought about it for a minute and then got really pissed at myself.... pissed for calling, pissed for not leaving a voicemail and pissed that I let three weeks of hard work go down the drain.

So three hours later I called back. This time I left him a message. (Something similar to this...)

Hi, G-Mo. It's Kat. Listen, I am calling you back because I was pissed that I chickened out before when I got your voicemail so I decided to call back so you wouldn't think that I was afraid. I just wanted to let you know I got your postcard. I hope you had a good trip to Chicago and I wanted to thank you for thinking about me, but it's really not necessary. I think it'd be best if you take me off your postcard list. If I have to keep getting random reminders from you it's going to make this a lot harder than it needs to be. This has been difficult for me but I've been taking a cue from you. It's easier to cut people out of your life if you just don't talk to them. So anyway, good luck.

Well, I heard back from him via text later tonight. (More on that later...)

For now I need to go to bed and try not to get myself worked up over all this shit. DAMN HIM!!! I was doing so good. I was so proud of myself. Now I'm back to square one!

Was I just looking for a reason to reach out to him? I'm just glad he broke the seal first.

unrealistic expectations

Interesting study...

Maybe this is my problem?

water works

Today was a hard day. I started the day in G-Mo's bathroom crying after taking forever to get motivated to get out of bed and leave his arms; got to work 45 minutes late and cried some more... then cried intermittedly until & during lunch. The afternoon was okay until I got in the car to come home... where the tears started to flow again. 

I'm sad, people. And the crazies are starting to get to me. My mind is wondering, it's going places that it shouldn't go. I'm dealing with stuff I've never really dealt with before in my life. He's leaving. I don't know what's going to happen. He speaks confidently that things are going to continue, yet I continue to doubt him in my head. I know I don't want to stop this now... I want to see where things go and how/when/if they end. 

After all this crying I decided to finally get the prescription for the anti-depressants filled - I figured I should be prepared - so I stopped off at the grocery store for the filling and some essential pity food. It was then when I realized why I didn't fill it when the doctor first issued it to me three months ago... 30 pills for $60! 

When I got home and saw the card from him sitting on the counter that's when I cried the hardest. I opened the card and this is what it said - 

(front)

You're beautiful inside and out...

in a way that changes things...

and makes days brighter...

and smiles warmer...

(inside)

...and hearts - like mine - so much happier.

(his note)

Kat -

Hope you get well soon...,

Remember that I'm always thinking about you and miss you even more!

I hope we can make the distance thing work because I would really like to see you after I move to DC.

Love, G-Mo

It's very sweet, with lots of purple butterflies and pink flowers. I don't know what it is, but he just knows. He sent the card while he was out of town last week and it arrived on the first day that I really let my emotions free. I've been avoiding the thought of him moving for so long, but it's so close I don't think I can anymore. Although, I think that might be the best way to deal with this stuff anyway. 

(Which is what he might be doing considering I haven't heard from him since I left him a message five hours ago on the way home from work. I could get into my theories but I don't think it's worth it. See - am I too paranoid?)

the countdown continues

T minus 14 days and counting...

i'm just sayin'

(I'm coming out of blog hibernation to vent... about no one in particular and to no one in particular. Please forgive me.) 

I've always considered myself to be a good friend to my friends. Hopefully, if you are reading this and you are my friend you agree with me. If not, I'm sure you'll find others out there who don't too so you all should start a club. (Lord knows I've seen enough friendships come and go through the course of time but in the moment I totally kick ass. I will drop most anything when a friend needs me and do what I can to help them or console them. I might be biased though.)

Over the years I have listened to a lot of shit and provided advice - some great, some terrible and lots not taken (because we know in many situations you already have your mind made up before you pick up the phone to ask someone's opinion.) I've heard about boyfriends, husbands, sex issues, him cheating, her cheating, family drama, other friend drama, health scares, work crap, school stress, money troubles, jail stints, money happiness, new jobs, new opportunities and being in love. (And lots of other random stuff in between.) Through it all I've always appreciated the fact that friends can (and want to) call on me for advice and when I've needed it I've asked them to return the favor. 

My drama comes mostly in stages and mostly rotates between: work, money, boys and family. It's been a little while since I've really needed true advice and comfort from my friends. I try not to burden others with my problems. After all, that's what I pay FF $100 an hour for. Lately things have changed. I find myself longing to reach out to friends - not just on the phone... I want the human touch too - but am not sure how to do it. And I know that they aren't going to be able to help.

Things change. I get that. Peoples lives evolve. I get that too. Mine has too, mostly in cycles, so I understand. Right now in my life things are changing again. G-Mo is leaving. Next fucking month! I am sad. And scared. And don't know what to say or how I am supposed to feel. At a time when I need people to distract me and help me focus on other things I am finding myself more isolated than I have been in a long time. I am totally, pathetically lonely. 

I don't really want to have reach out and unload this stuff on my friends (who for the most part are living very happy lives with people they love, moving in all sorts of directions.) I know it sounds silly, but I kind of think that people should just know to call. Hell, if they were calling to stay in touch in the first place they would already know what is going on and that I need them now. (And yes, I can be as guilty of that as anyone else.) I'm not really sure what it is I need from them, but I think its mostly that I need to know they care... that they will volunteer to listen if that's what I need or just smack me upside the head and tell me to snap out of it. 

If I wanted to pick up the phone and call someone I wouldn't know what to say - or even whom to call for that matter. 

I'm just sayin'... I needed to get that of my chest. That is all. 

This venting is a lil' to the extreme but, damn, I feel better. 

I'll go back into hibernation now... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

compilation of paintings

Today marks the 4th weekend in a row that I have been motivated to paint. Here's a compilation of things that I have worked on, including....

Two small 5x7 canvases that I have been throwing extra paint on for many months now and then squish the two canvases together. Thinking maybe they can make bookends?



This painting, that used to be a purple horse that I decided I didn't like... Of course art is your interpretation of it, so I am interested to see if you see the same thing I did as I was painting it.


This baby shower gift for JJ's nursery... another giraffe to add to the collection!


This painting for G-Mo. (I know what you're thinking...haha. Last time I painted for a boy it didn't turn out so well but I went ahead and went with my inspiration anyway.) It's two canvases, but then I put four smaller canvases on each canvas. It's supposed to hang over his fireplace and then will evenutally go to DC with him when he leaves. I haven't given it to him yet, but am anxious to see what he thinks about it.



This painting just kind of evolved. A long time ago I painted something and had this extra orange paint that I slapped on a canvas that ended looking like some kind of bird. It taunted me for a long time and this weekend I finally got around to finishing it. It evolved into a very folk artsy looking bird (that was a little too scary in the beginning)... what do you think?


Then there was this painting... When I stopped at my favorite store this weekend to use some birthday gift certificates I went a little crazy. A couple of hundred dollars later I walked out of there with canvases, palate knives, and lots of paint - including three fluorescent colors. I love them!


Close-ups...


So - honest opinions... feedback appreciated, please.

doggy dna

When I stopped into Petco this weekend I saw a sign announcing that they now perform DNA tests for dogs so you can solve the mystery of what exactly makes up your mutt. You have two options - the test that some of the breeds for $69.95 or the more expensive one that checks all of them for $119.95. You take your dog into the store to be swabbed, then you mail the DNA sample in and wait three weeks for the results. The guy at Petco said if you send a picture of your dog they will send it back framed with the DNA certificate. 

I am not gonna lie... I am definitely curious to see what combo Monty is, but do you think it's worth it???

meet JJ...

For my 12 regular readers (and yes, I know how many of you there are...) 

I am happy to announce that frequent commenter Jenn gave birth yesterday to a beautiful healthy boy. I felt so special to be called within an hour of his birth (unlike the last time over a failed text message) and got to celebrate his 24-hour birthday with him tonight. She is doing really well and its exciting to see fresh family love and the learning that is taking place.

I am probably not allowed to post pictures of him yet since she hasn't gotten around to it, you know she did have a C-section last night, but I am going to do it anyway. (Sorry Jenn!)

By the way, the iPhone grabbed some great pictures of him... AND I was able to email them to other friends before I got home. (I have a really bad habit of playing with the iPhone while driving.) Just another reason I love it!

Anyway, Congratulations to the family!

cha cha cha

Happy Birthday to me...

I woke up with a massive headache and a big zit.

I'm confused...

Am I turning 30 or 13???

inspired

I finally managed to stay mostly motivated all day today to get my bedroom back in order. I am ashamed to admit it, but the last couple of months I had let it go. I would drop things and just leave them there... especially clothes. You know the routine. They get washed, folded (maybe) but never put away. The clothes that need to be hung are draped over the rocking chair in the corner of the room in an attempt to keep the wrinkles out. 

Anyway, I had accumulated a big mess that was starting to spill over into other parts of my life - both figuratively and literally. I've cleaned my room at least once a week the last month... partially though, never all the way. I got distracted and never finished. There were always still clothes laying around. Today I am happy to report that my room is finally clean. You can see the floor. Let's hope that with the room being clean now other things will clean themselves up too. 

Last night about 2:00 am something triggered and all of the sudden I was inspired. I got up and prepped the canvas so I could start painting today. My original agenda for today was to go shopping, but I decided it was best to stay home to clean - and paint (which makes the cleaning last a little longer and makes it even more impressive that I managed to finish today.) There are about seven coats of paint, so it's definitely in the beginning stages still.

When I sit down to paint I don't always have a plan. I just let it flow. My style is starting to get more defined. With each painting I try to create a new approach or technique, but it always ends up incorporating the same underlying style. As for this painting, I had an idea of what I wanted, but I didn't really stay with it. It's an evolving process until I think its just right. I am not sure if I like it yet (this painting or my style), so until I get to that point I won't know. 

It doesn't matter yet. I know I will get there. The most important thing is that I am inspired again. Inspired to paint, clean and even a little inspired at work. In my 30th year I am going to work on finding the things in life that inspire me and keep me motivated. I need this year to be all about me. I am inspired to change...

it's about time.

Would you believe it? I got motivated a couple of weeks ago to finally get around to publishing my website. It was easy. Just another reason I love my Mac (should I start a label just for my gushing Apple posts?) It's simple, but it serves the purpose for now. One day I will get around to making it a bit fancier, but for now it works. Unfortunately, my email does not. 

Apparently when I was in my godaddy account I did some stuff wrong - which I still don't understand since the website published just fine - and have been without email ever since (except my Mac account!) I have been on and off the phone with those people for the last week and am totally frustrated with them. They tried to explain to me that there was another reason it wasn't working and they would have to re-set, reconcile, delete, forward, or whatever something else and that it would take up to 24 - 48 hours for it to work. 

I just got off the phone with them again and am told it could be up to another 24 hours before it's fixed. Yeah. I am not holding my breath. For the first three days I just thought I wasn't loved, then I finally realized it was fucked up and called them. Ah. I am real close to sending another mass email to tell people that i have a new address. That it's totally busted and to just use the one that works. After all, it's the Mac one and it will never let me down. 

(By the way, if you need the new email or want to see the website let me know.)

Oh - for those who care to know more about the girl I mentioned before. You can find way more information than you ever wanted to know about this girl, her mother & the grandparents here. If you aren't in the mood to read, just watch Nancy Grace. She is all about this case these days.