i'm just sayin'

(I'm coming out of blog hibernation to vent... about no one in particular and to no one in particular. Please forgive me.) 

I've always considered myself to be a good friend to my friends. Hopefully, if you are reading this and you are my friend you agree with me. If not, I'm sure you'll find others out there who don't too so you all should start a club. (Lord knows I've seen enough friendships come and go through the course of time but in the moment I totally kick ass. I will drop most anything when a friend needs me and do what I can to help them or console them. I might be biased though.)

Over the years I have listened to a lot of shit and provided advice - some great, some terrible and lots not taken (because we know in many situations you already have your mind made up before you pick up the phone to ask someone's opinion.) I've heard about boyfriends, husbands, sex issues, him cheating, her cheating, family drama, other friend drama, health scares, work crap, school stress, money troubles, jail stints, money happiness, new jobs, new opportunities and being in love. (And lots of other random stuff in between.) Through it all I've always appreciated the fact that friends can (and want to) call on me for advice and when I've needed it I've asked them to return the favor. 

My drama comes mostly in stages and mostly rotates between: work, money, boys and family. It's been a little while since I've really needed true advice and comfort from my friends. I try not to burden others with my problems. After all, that's what I pay FF $100 an hour for. Lately things have changed. I find myself longing to reach out to friends - not just on the phone... I want the human touch too - but am not sure how to do it. And I know that they aren't going to be able to help.

Things change. I get that. Peoples lives evolve. I get that too. Mine has too, mostly in cycles, so I understand. Right now in my life things are changing again. G-Mo is leaving. Next fucking month! I am sad. And scared. And don't know what to say or how I am supposed to feel. At a time when I need people to distract me and help me focus on other things I am finding myself more isolated than I have been in a long time. I am totally, pathetically lonely. 

I don't really want to have reach out and unload this stuff on my friends (who for the most part are living very happy lives with people they love, moving in all sorts of directions.) I know it sounds silly, but I kind of think that people should just know to call. Hell, if they were calling to stay in touch in the first place they would already know what is going on and that I need them now. (And yes, I can be as guilty of that as anyone else.) I'm not really sure what it is I need from them, but I think its mostly that I need to know they care... that they will volunteer to listen if that's what I need or just smack me upside the head and tell me to snap out of it. 

If I wanted to pick up the phone and call someone I wouldn't know what to say - or even whom to call for that matter. 

I'm just sayin'... I needed to get that of my chest. That is all. 

This venting is a lil' to the extreme but, damn, I feel better. 

I'll go back into hibernation now... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.